Product Description

"Mom, Dad, we have to talk..."

For all the times you're confronted with a complex or painful situation with someone close to you, here's the book that tells you exactly what to say and how to say it. And it will help you navigate smoothly through what could be an extremely stressful talk.

Using the same tested formula from the bestselling Lifescripts, and organized into five sections -- Parents, Siblings, Children, Spouses, and Friends -- each of these 101 scripts includes a dialogue flowchart and a list of topics that touch on your attitude, timing, preparation, and behavior. Whether you're asking your parent for a loan, confronting your brother about his drinking problem, turning down a child's request, asking your spouse for a divorce or separation, discussing funeral planning with a parent, or bringing up your sibling's bad manners, this book will give you everything you need to say...and help keep the peace in the family.

Product Details

• Amazon Sales Rank: #1134642 in Books
• Published on: 2002-01-02
• Released on: 2002-01-02
• Original language: English
• Dimensions: 9.50" h x 6.50" w x 1.00" l, 1.43 pounds
• Binding: Paperback
• 480 pages

From Amazon.com
Ever had to turn down a friend for a loan? Ask your teen about birth control? Suggest to your dad it's time to stop driving? No one likes these discussions. They have ways of spiraling out of control until the original subject matter has completely evaporated. Happily, Erik Kolbell has come to our rescue with Lifescripts, a book devoted to simple flow charts detailing how to handle these difficult conversations.

Divided into chapters based on relationships, you can easily flip to the proper section: friends, parents, children, siblings, or spouse. Within each chapter is a series of situations with probable samples of the dialog that is likely to result. Is Dad worried he'll be stuck at home when he stops driving? Reassure him with suggestions on alternative transport. Daughter too embarrassed to talk about her sex life? Gently insist on an appointment with a health-care professional to get matters resolved. Each situation includes a short description of strategy and tactics. In every case, it pays to remember that these conversations are not about blowing off steam, but rather accomplishing a very specific goal.

Put this book on an easily accessible shelf. That way you'll know right where to find it when another of life's little surprises heads your way. --Jill Lightner

About the Author
Erik Kolbell is an ordained minister and practicing psychotherapist in New York City. The co-author of three books, he has also written for The New York Times.

Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
Chapter One: Suggesting to a Parent That He Shouldn't Drive Anymore

strategy

No parent wants to hand over the keys to the car once and for all. To do so not only limits their mobility but serves as a not-too-gentle reminder that as they age they will have to depend more and more on others to do the things they used to be able to do for themselves. It can leave them feeling demeaned and demoralized, as if they're little kids who have just had their favorite toys taken away. So when you think it might be in a parent's best interest to stop driving, try to do so by emphasizing three things. First, you're not drawing your own conclusion about his ability to drive, you're simply asking that he consult his doctor. Second, you're not accusing him of driving poorly, you're merely observing that it may be getting more difficult to steer clear of drivers who do. And third, you're acknowledging his need to maintain his active life and reinforcing the idea that there are other ways to ensure that he'll always be able to get around town with ease.

tactics

• Attitude: Be exceedingly respectful while at the same time stressing that this is something that needs to be looked into.
• Preparation: Numerous articles have been written on the subject. Read one or two, and if possible be prepared to cite an authority who is your parent's age or older. Also, research transportation alternatives that include shuttle buses for older adults, mass transit, and volunteers (including family members).
• Timing: Try holding this conversation just prior to your parent's next scheduled appointment with his physician.
• Behavior: Remain calm and firm, and keep the conversation from getting personal. Stress that this is a fact of life that all of us will face at some point, and the real issue is not whether or not the parent should drive but how best he can now get to wherever he wants to go.

adaptations

This lifescript can be adapted to suggest to a parent that he should no longer be preparing his own meals, or that he should consider having part-time home health care.

key points

• Don't make this a referendum on your parent's driving ability.
• Stress your concern for his safety in the face of reckless drivers on the road.
• Affirm his need to be mobile and as independent as possible. Offer to help with this.
• Don't let him defer the question to some vague time in the future.
• Remember you're not yet asking him to give his keys up; you're merely asking him to speak with his doctor.
• Try to go with him when he sees the doctor.

Copyright © 2002 by Third Millennium Press, Inc., Erik Kolbell and Stephen M. Pollan