Product Description

Born eighth in a family on its way to becoming almost twice that size, Stephen Zanichkowsky immediately learned that his life was not going to be easy. Instead, he and his siblings fended for themselves to avoid the wrath of their father and the heartbreaking emotional distance of their mother. Silence and terror ruled. A brother was taken away by the family one day, never to return. A sister was born with a mental deficiency that was never explained. As the years went by, each child left home as soon as he or she turned 18, creating unaccustomed "space" by skipping the others' weddings and graduations. Here, Zanichkowsky embarks on a journey back to the family's Lithuanian Catholic roots in Brooklyn and follows its members on a tortured climb to suburban comfort that, for him, culminates in his escape from home and the draft. Along the way, he seeks answers to lifelong questions: why was his father so angry and uncontrollable?; and why did his parents continue to have children when they didn't have enough love, patience, or money to spread around? Forty years later after leaving home, Zanichkowsky reaches out to his siblings - most of them divorced or living alone - and discovers a group of people still learning how to form relationships with others. In the process, the boy that once retreated into his own world emerges, whole and self-possessed.

Product Details

• Amazon Sales Rank: #1322873 in Books
• Published on: 2003-05-13
• Original language: English
• Binding: Paperback
• 256 pages

From Publishers Weekly
Those who grow up with only one or two siblings may sometimes gaze longingly at large, unwieldy families, believing that with multitude comes mirth, and that these big clans lead a zesty, Cheaper by the Dozen kind of life. Zanichkowsky's wrenchingly honest account of being one of 14 children neatly destroys those rosy misconceptions. He artfully describes his place as eighth in a seemingly endless line of children born to a hotheaded father and an overwhelmed mother, and how, despite the nearness of so many allies, the children grew up feeling emotionally isolated and ready to drift apart. As evidence of this, only one photograph of the whole family exists, and it was stuck in a drawer soon after being taken, discovered only after the death of both parents. The children still yearn for the image of a whole family, as Zanichkowsky writes: But we treasure the picture anyway; because it grants us the illusion, or promise, or memory, of family. Only after decades of little contact with his siblings does he reach out to the rest of the brood, finding kinship with people who, like him, have difficulty relating to others or forming strong relationships. With the inclusion of this attempt to finally connect, Zanichkowsky elevates this memoir from a tale of childhood hell into a full, rich picture of what it's like to be one among many. His writing is so straightforward and candid that it takes on a kind of intimacy while describing alienation, like a friend whispering into another's ear about how hard it is to live alone.
Copyright 2002 Cahners Business Information, Inc.

From Library Journal
This is a disturbing memoir of neglect and abuse by freelance writer Zanichkowsky, who was the eighth of 14 children born into a Lithuanian Catholic household in Brooklyn. His father, who had been disowned by his own father, was a self-made man. Too proud to accept his own mother's offer to help with the children, he left his young wife to cope with the chaotic household. Fourteen pregnancies and two miscarriages broke her health and her spirit, leaving her with no emotional resources, and the children had to fend for themselves. The inevitable childhood crises and arguments were settled with beatings. The Zanichkowsky children learned to shoplift, lie, and blame one another at an early age. Seemingly, the goal for each child was to escape the household as soon as possible. Forty years later, after the deaths of his father, mother, and one older brother, the author reaches out to his remaining brothers and sisters. The resulting memoir is a dark, deeply unsettling look at family life, and it cries out for a sequel. Recommended for libraries with large memoir sections. Pam Kingsbury, Florence, AL
Copyright 2002 Reed Business Information, Inc.

From Booklist
When the author was born, in 1952, he was his parents' eighth child. Eventually, there would be six more for a total of 14 born between 1943 and 1961. What was it like, being one person in a small army of kids? How did they get along, with a father who was both demanding and inattentive and an overwhelmed mother unable to devote one-on-one time to any of her children? Well, it wasn't easy. Written in a straightforward, unadorned style, this unusual memoir generates an emotional intensity almost imperceptibly, until we feel utterly caught up in the chaos of Zanichkowsky's very big family. Some of the author's brothers and sisters, in a mad attempt to do something all on their own, turned to shoplifting or stealing from friends and schoolmates; eventually, the kids moved out as fast as they could, sometimes marrying just so they could get a place of their own. And yet, despite their constant attempts to get away from one another, the children developed a bond. An unsentimental and unflinchingly honest memoir. David Pitt
Copyright © American Library Association. All rights reserved

Customer Reviews

it's the real story
Without pity or too much drama, Stephen Zanichowsky write the story for every one of us who grew up in a large family. The book works as a form of his own therapy, but inspires me to face what happened to me, even just for my own benefit of trying to understand or make sense of what happens in a family in which the parents are overwhelmed by too many children, too little resources, and too many human failings. Reading Zanichowsky's story reminded me of my own experiences, many memories that have been buried. I wonder about Zanichowsky's siblings--how they felt about this book. It would take amazing courage to write this book, and a great deal of forgiveness from all of the siblings to publish the real story of their growing up.

Searingly honest and poignant
This is a marvelous book. He writes of abuse and degradation without feeling sorry for himself. He tries to understand without resorting to justification or pity. I'm sure it took him a lot of therapy to get to the point where he could create this book, but it was money very well spent.

If anyone wants to read more about the neighborhood he grew up in, I recommend "Spider Stumbled" by Frank Paul Venis.

Parents who created an empire but gave their kids nothing
This story may involve the uniqueness of growing up among fourteen sibs, but it sure isn't a "Cheaper by the Dozen" story. This is an adult's survivor story about his unrequited quest to be loved by his own parents.

Poor Stephen Zanichkowsky never had a chance. As the eighth child out of fourteen, he had a childhood of missing out on most of the things kids need. Money was mostly tight until family fortunes changed later on. As you would expect, the kids were sick of doing endless chores, of living in cramped living quarters, of eating canned goods, and of being surrounded by dirty diapers. Such complaints soon seem trivial, as you read Stephen describe a childhood devoid of any emotional nurturing. Stephen's only memories of communications with the folks involve them belittling and bullying him, if they communicated at all. The young, fragile, defenseless kids grew up in fear of their evil father. Father was mostly absent, when he wasn't brutally beating his kids with a stick for corporal punishment. Mother was equally evil, although Stephen describes her in terms of being overwhelmed. This is a much kinder description than Mother deserves, as you find out when you hear how one night, helped by the family priest, she drops off her most bullied and victimized child at a mental institution. She offers no explanation to the other thirteen sibs about his long term diappearance. The brood soon learns to do anything to avoid the brutality of their parents. They have no hesitation to deflect blame on another sibling. Since Stephen's horrible parents are religious zealots, it is also only a matter of time before Stephen is zapped of his faith in God.

Stephen vents, "therapy style", and at times it gets long winded, but you forgive him because you become surprised. As he vents, it is obvious that he knows very little about child abuse. Clearly his therapists have failed him. As is very typical of victims of child abuse, Stephen offers excuses. Basically he says: " Mother was worn out from all the kids. She was just overwhelmed. When she beat us, sometimes for no good reason, she meant well. We were bad..." It is astonishing that he is completely unaware that he has what many institutionalized orphans experience. He has attachment issues. He has no memories of warm physical contact with his Mom, something vital for emotional stability. No wonder he is groundless, and so alone, despite having so many sibs.

Again, you are surprised as he describes how some of his sibs deny his descriptions of what happened and how he repeatedly insists that it did happen. Of course it happened. Of course the sibs were in denial. You suspect even worse things happened to the daughters, one of whom had special needs. There is no doubt in your mind that all were abused and neglected emotionally. You want to send the author an E-mail, urging him to read more about abandonment, neglect, and abuse of children. You write a review at 2 am for Amazon.com, the moment you finish the book. You hope he'll see your review soon. You hope your words will give him the feeling of a tight hug. Stephen deserves that hug.